Kate spade and Anthony Bourdain? Really? There is such an influx of suicides and suicide discussion. We hear that someone committed suicide and we respond with empathy. It’s hard to not imagine the torment they must have been going through to do such a deplorable act. Well I would like to present a rewrite to that storyline. It may not sound empathetic, and that may be the consequence. But I also think that I'm entitled to such a rewrite. I know intellectually that someone who commits suicide is in a tunnel of darkness. But I also believe that they have a choice, and they choose poorly and selfishly. I elect to reserve my empathy for those left behind. Both Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade had young daughters. Putting aside all the other family members, what about those young and impressionable children? There are just so many choices and opportunities for a different outcome. Whether they hated their fortunate lives, were living with depression or addiction or just fantasize about Jim Morrison, I mean really? 20 years ago my husband made that same fateful decision. Our twins were 14 months and it had been 2 years since our daughter was stillborn at 8 months after years of infertility. After we lost our daughter, he turned to alcohol and drugs and became a violent and devious man. One day he hung himself from our favorite silver dollar eucalyptus tree in the backyard. He had all the same opportunities as every other alcoholic who goes through traumas. He had gone to an outpatient rehab, been arrested, had a psychiatrist, a neurologist, a wife and two kids he adored, money in the bank, a beautiful home, had a career he worked hard to achieve, etc. Now I know the next argument goes something like this! “He couldn’t have been in his right mind to have done this. If he’d had a choice certainly he wouldn’t have done such a thing”. I know better than anyone that his pain was deep and his mind melded with two theories. First, he didn't want to burden us with his distress which had deteriorated into daily drama and trauma. Secondly, he wanted to say fuck-you to me because I wouldn't allow his secrets to remain hidden, nor would I let him be alone with the kids. He had taken our daughter and disappeared for 4 hours as he lay passed out drunk. I forgot to mention that our daughter was hardly a year old. He could say fuck-you all day long, he wasn’t going to hurt my children. A judge agreed! But whether his pain seemed relentless and his strength depleted, what he and Anthony and Kate don't realize is that they have just passed on their trauma and heartache to those they signed on to love and protect. So no I don't feel sorry for those who commit suicide. I really don't. I feel admiration for those that survive being a survivor. For those children who have been left behind, their road to recovery is paved with self-doubt, sorrow, and all kinds of emotions that only their family and therapist may know for sure.
Make better choices.