It was when I was sitting on the floor playing with my 12 month old twins that everything slowed down as if it were a movie. The house was full of activity - fireman and policeman wandering around, whispering and moving with purpose. In the distance was a fireman in full gear making his way to our small play area. He knelt down next to me and said "I'm sorry". As if it were just another day, I told him "it's ok, thank you". He asked me if I had called anyone to come over and I asked him, "Oh, is he gone?". He put his hand on my shoulder and said "Yes, I'm sorry. I think it's time to call your family and friends to come over". But what he said next changed my life. He took my hand and said "Now I need you to look at me and really hear what I'm about to tell you." He drew me in and I was suddenly able to focus. " I saw that you had a bible in your bedroom and so I want to say this to you. God made you strong for a reason. Now you need to use that tremendous gift.......now." He was my hero. His warm eyes brought me to the realty of the moment. I felt my body fill with warmth and a wave of hope and grace. It's so difficult to describe, but I knew in that moment I wasn't alone and this was something I had in me to do. God really had given me the strength. My husband was gone. He had committed suicide just hours earlier. My first call was to my mom, and the second to the hospital pastor who I lovingly referred to as my angel. She had been there for us when our daughter was stillborn just 2 years earlier, and it was her presence I needed. The house filled with family, friends, and my much needed angel from the hospital. The twins moved from lap to lap and my dad took them on his usual walk around the neighborhood. It was these same laps that eventually created the village that helped me raise my children.
My mother in law had me call some of the relatives on her side of the family. I remember wondering why she would think that was a good assignment for me at this particular time. But then again, she wasn't the modicum of selflessness. Calling my husband's brother in New Zealand was the hardest call of all, because he was the one he most loved and admired. I can't say that raising 2 kids without my husband has been easy, or there weren't many moments where I felt overwhelmed or scared. But when I did, I saw all of the laps that had congregated in my living room on that day. It was then that I knew that I wasn't alone on this journey.